Amazon Drone Delivery Service
Introducing the Amazing
Surrey (WHN) Facing significant Federal and environmental obstacles on Amazons plans for drone package delivery, Amazon Chairman Jeff Bezos unveiled a bold new drone approach. In a droning conference held today at Children’s Hospital of [insert city], Mr. Bezos unveiled the NEW, ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY, Amazon BioDrone®. “The FUTURE is the PAST!” proclaimed Mr. Bezos, “Gone are the complex, environmentally incorrect, mechanical drones of today. Today we announce the Amazon BioDrone®, an eco-friendly delivery approach with a proven, multi-millennium, record of past success and environmental friendliness.” In Amazon announcement, Mr. Bezos pointed out that previous generation S.T.O.R.K.S. (Strategic Trade Organisms Regulating Kindred Spread) have long been used for baby delivery and have experienced only the occasional GPS failure (*see previous WHN story below) The success of generic S.T.O.R.K.S. (Strategic Trade Organisms Regulating Kindred Spread) is well documented with an estimated 7.046 billion living success stories (2012 calculation). However, due to falling delivery rates, especially in the North American and European markets where Amazon is well established, the generic S.T.O.R.K.S. are being underutilized. This has resulted in a high delinquency rate among younger S.T.O.R.K.S. Mr. Bezos, with insightful genius, recognized the underutilized potential of these unemployed delivery personnel. Following extensive upgrades (e.g., decal attachment; beak blunting to prevent package puncturing) and training (comparable to the average UPS driver), the Amazon BioDrone® was created (see photo). When questioned about the Amazon BioDrone® and the choice of Children’s Hospital as the location for the announcement, Mr. Bezos stated, “…it’s all part of the grand plan. S.T.O.R.K.S. already know where all the hospitals are and, due to the reduced birthrate, children hospitals have empty rooms that we can stock with products for shipping. Thus we’ve partnered with children’s hospital worldwide to serve as satellite warehouses. When a doctor isn’t doing surgery, they can use those skilled hands to load up the Amazon BioDrone®. It’s a win-win situation for all.”
However the Amazon BioDrone® is not without controversies. Angering labor unions, Mr. Bezos states that one of the biggest benefits of the Amazon BioDrone® is that they are mute and, consequently, can neither complain about working conditions nor demand raises [Ed.: Mr. Bezos is quoted as saying “We’re going to pay these drones chicken feed.”]. Moreover, the aerospace industry is nervous as the Amazon BioDrone® is projected to have a 30-40 year productive delivery lifespan rather than the 1-2 year lifespan of a mechanical drone and, when the usable service endpoint is reached, the Amazon BioDrone® is 100% compostable. The compostability of the Amazon BioDrone® is in stark contrast to that of a Boeing 747. But most critically, both UPS and FedEx are reported to be highly concerned about the Amazon BioDrone®. Upon Mr. Bezos announcement, both UPS and FedEx stock fell over 30% on the NYSE and their trading was halted to prevent the total collapse of these here-to-fore blue chip companies. FedEx is concerned the most as they tend to be utilized for smaller packages easily carried by the Amazon BioDrone®. In contrast, UPS attempted to calm nervous investors by noting that the Amazon BioDrone® was not capable of carrying the larger packages which UPS delivers with such tenderness. Upon hearing UPS’s response, Mr. Bezos cryptically said, “Amazon BioDrone II®”. Industry rumors suggest that the Amazon BioDrone II® is being developed in India and Thailand where mechanized lumber production has resulted in the redundancies of thousands of traditional log hauling Elephantidae.
Senior WHN Technology Editor Dr. Ned Ander-Thal, states that the importance of Amazon’s innovation can’t be over emphasized. Following a one-on-one meeting with Mr. Bezos, Dr. Ander-Thal states that Bezos is clearly leading the green revolution: “Soon all mechanical means of transportation will be viewed as politically incorrect, environmentally damaging, labor intensive and cost prohibitive. Bezos states that Amazon will soon be selling ‘personal transportation devices’ with the mysterious acronym M.U.L.E.S. Global warming and thermonuclear war over temperate zones will dictate long lasting changes to the human condition and Amazon plans to lead these changes.” Indeed, the U.S. State Department is investigating reports that Amazon is pro-actively pushing their global personal transportation agenda forward. Reports confirmed by the WHN state that a Mr. Kin Jong-Un recently ordered 23 kilograms of plutonium via Amazon.com. Delivery to Mr. Kim Jong-Un is simply awaiting the rollout of the Amazon BioDrone II®.
ABOUT THE Amazon BioDrone®
Wingspan: ~10.5 feet (3.2 meters)
Carrying Weight: Uncertain, though past records indicate the generic S.T.O.R.K.S. can consistently carry up to 24 lbs (twin 12 lbs bundles of joy) and some can carry more (e.g., see “Octo-Mom”).
Range: Reportedly 1000+ kilometers.
Usable Delivery Lifespan: ~40 years
*GPS failure in S.T.OR.K.S. units are rare, but they do occur and can have devastating and long lasting consequences. As previously reported by the WHN:
Stork GPS Failure Blamed For Mystery Baby Delivered to Couple
Frostbite Falls, Minnie-soda (WHN, 1961). Mr. and Mrs. Sven Gustafson were shocked today with the delivery of their new son Carlos. Mr. Sven Gustafson, who had been ice fishing for the last 13 months (just north of Duluth where there are some BIG sturgeon) rushed back to Frostbite Falls upon hearing that his wife had been visited by a S.T.O.R.K.S. unit. The perplexed Sven stated that “The fish were bitin’ real good and it was quite impolite of Lena to call me home – she’s got lots of no good relatives in Iowa who ain’t fisin'.” His wife Lena, still in the hospital from the shock of the delivery, was also dumbfounded by the ‘unintended’ delivery since she and her husband had not done any ‘ordering’. Lena stated she thought the weight gain was from eating so many “potato pirogies”. However several household servants and groundkeepers were not particularly surprised by the arrival of the S.T.O.R.K.S. and unanimously stated that Lena is a ‘very friendly’ employer and they were sure one of them had gifted the S.T.O.R.K.S. delivery to Lena.
August 6, 2014
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August 6, 2014 • Issue 70