Exclusive to the World Headline News
August 25, 2018
Almost Washington State (WHN) In a surprising move, President Donald Trump today announced that a secret renovation has been completed at his famed Mar-a-Lago Resort in Florida. Due to tariffs imposed on banana imports (Trump "There was ZERO USA production - banana workers were unemployed!") from Central America, South America and a variety of other Banana Republics, America is facing a severe banana shortage. Unknown, but perhaps suspected, by many, President Trump's 1 a.m. tweets are fueled by banana splits ("2 scoops of ice cream for me; Melania and Baron only get 1 scoop... to share..."). Without this sugary banana concoction, Mr. Trump fingers tire by 1:30 a.m. - primetime in the world of diplomatic tweets. Per a secret White House source (EDITOR: o.k., it was Omarosa), the WHN discovered that there were covert plans to invade one or more Central American "Banana Republics' for their crucial banana stockpiles. However, an investigative team led by the mysterious Vice President Mike Pence discovered two disconcerting facts necessitating the eventual abandonment of these plans (...but only after the fleet had sailed). First was the unexpected finding that these countries were populated by non-Norwegians; indeed surveillance photos found on the National Geographic Channel showed evidence of an abundance of the dreaded Hispanics (see Trump comments on Hispanics). Secondly, the countries of interest were found to actually be SOUTH of the big, tall and beautiful WALL (that Mexico obviously must have paid for) erected by the President.
USA Goes Bananas
Building upon his Miss USA and Miss Universe successes, Donald Trump has announced that the inaugural Miss Banana USA contest will be broadcast November 6, 2018 on the FOX Television Network (in place of FAKE election coverage). The event is to be held at the recently renovated Mar-a-Lago Re-Education Camp in Florida. Exclusive PROMO photo obtained by WHN Television Critic Ned Ander-Thal.
TRUMP: "I'm Taking USA 100% Bananas!"
Quaint TRUMP Organization® D.C. B&B Goes BANANAS
The previously under utilized Trump White House has been repurposed by the Trump Organization to a plantation style property. Exclusive Photo from famed WHN drone pilot Ned Ander-Thal.
Almost Washington State (WHN) Furthering the changes initiated at the Mar-a-Lago Plantation, the WHN has obtained evidence that the Trump Organization has dramatically transformed, and terraformed, the quaint Trump D.C. Bed and Breakfast. As an entrepreneur, Mr. Trump must assess changing trends and conditions and then rapidly adjusts to these new business climates. Environmental climate is no different. Despite record high temperatures in the East, West, North and South, changes in rain patterns (resulting in droughts and floods) and prolonged and more severe fire seasons, Mr. Trump continues to decry "Global Climate Change" as a Chinese hoax. BUT, per Trump, "Why not take advantage of the Chinese hoax. The D.C. climate is now perfect for growing Banana's!"
Almost Washington State (WHN) In honor of the United States status as the "NEWEST, BIGGEST and BEST Banana Republic", Donald Trump today announced the newest addition to his beauty pageant lineup: Miss Banana USA . The inaugural Miss Banana USA contest will be broadcast November 6, 2018 on the FOX Television Network (in place of FAKE election coverage). Sean Hannity will host the extravaganza.
According to Mr. Trump, "While lots of beauty contests are getting rid of the swimsuit contest, I'm proud to say that all our contestants will be a-peel-ing!" Farm Fresh "influence" will also available.... Indeed, Mr. Trump announced that special, unrestricted, and unescorted, backstage passes will be available to BIG SPENDING donors allowing them to "get 'Hands ON' experience with a beauty contestant, er, contest, and even running a country." Mr. Trump is also offering select contestants the opportunity to pick-up a "cool $130,000 - $150,000 performance fee." Though some recent concerns have arisen regarding the later opportunity, as Mr. Micheal Cohen may not be available for drafting the resultant confidentiality semi-legal agreements. He is apparently needed by the F.B.I. for advice on banana harvesting at the Trump D.C. Plantation.
Taking Advantage of Global Warming, Trump converts quaint D.C. Property to Bananas Plantation.
Making a HUGE personal sacrifice,
Mr. Trump constructs the
Mar-a-Lago Plantation and
Shown is Mr. Trump sitting astride the now retired Democratic Donkey supervising Prisoner No. 00000001. Per Mr. Trump, "Hillary is much more productive now. She is one of my best pickers... and doesn't she look great... must have dropped 50 pounds. Amazing what 14 hour work days and one meal a day can accomplish." Vice President Mike Pence (in background) admires the now svelte prisoner 00000001. Mr. Pence has been directing the labor of the female "students". Per Mr. Pence, "Hard work keeps these "Tools of the Devil' from enticing innocent men like me into immoral acts."
Exclusive Photo Captured By: Ned Ander-Thal prior to his 'enrollment' in the Trump University Charter School.
Miss Banana USA 2018
To Honor the U.S.A. as the NEWEST, BIGGEST and BEST Banana Republic
Defeating Collusion Begins At Home: Re-educating the unpatriotic citizens and 'all-too-free' press requires drastic measures.
MISS BANANA USA
The Newest and Bestest Trump Beauty Contest!
Lies, all lies!
End of the American REPUBLIC?
End of theWeimar REPUBLIC!
Undeterred by these unexpected set-backs, Mr. Trump made a HUGE personal sacrifice for Americas national security. According to Mr. Trump, "Our safety is clearly dependent on my continued ability to tweet - how else do I negotiate with North Korea, China, Germany or Canada - the 2018 Axis of Evil [EDITOR: good to see Germany back in the Axis camp!]. Using botanical information obtained from the Federal Banana Institute (F.B.I.), Mr. Trump was informed that bananas could be grown in Florida. While initial plans were to use Cape Canaveral or Disney World, contamination by rocket fuel and mouse dropping (Minnie: "Mickey, I told you to use the toilet - not the yard!") eventually ruled these sites out. Mar-a-Lago HAD to be sacrificed... for America ... and a $5 billion dollar certified check. But converting the lush lawns and fairways of Mar-a-Lago would not be easy ...due to the deportation of America's hispanic laborers. How could Trump provide another MAGA-WIN for America?
But with the help of Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, Mr. Trump implemented a genius, and stable, plan: Trump University Charter School. To populate the New & Improved Trump University, evil collaborators of democracy (i.e., real and imagined enemies of the Trump administration) were rounded up and 'enrolled' for re-education.... with an emphasis on physical education. Amongst the first captured, er, enrolled, was an over weight and out of condition Hillary Clinton. Later enrollees included John McCain (very unfortunately excused by the school nurse), Jeff Bezos, the entire newsrooms of CNN, the New York Times and Washington Post and Ned Ander-Thal. Following months of hard 'aerobic workouts' in P.E.class by Hillary and her crew, the Mar-a-Lago Plantation and Re-Education Center has now gone fully Bananas as evidenced by Mr. Trump recent 1:37 a.m. tweets that have secured America's borders, the future and indictments of excellence by the F.B.I..
Even Hillary is happy with the DeVos Charter School, "I've never looked better and had so much stamina! I just might run for President again!"
School Principal Rudy Giuliani states, "That's unlikely. Hilary hasn't seen our graduation ceremony...."
Graduation Day at the new and improved Trump University Charter School. School Principal Rudy Giuliani directs the diploma ceremony.
Exclusive Photo Captured By: Inmate No. 130666 (a.k.a., Ned Ander-Thal ). NOTE: Ned is in no rush to graduate... he LIKES school...
Now, after just a short 20 months, President Trump has been able to proclaim: "According to the Federal Banana Institute's (F.B.I.) Senior Scientist Robert Mueller, the current crop of D.C. bananas are just about ripe. Scientist Mueller says they're all, ready for the hothouse, or was that the BIG HOUSE. He says he will be stopping by shortly to collect, er harvest, all the bananas here at the White House. He wants me to be here to see all his hard work. It's just what America needs."
WHN Educational Series © 2018
Lies, all lies!
BANANA Politics 101
• Reward Criminal Loyalty
• Pardon Convicted Allies
• Vilify Opposition (& PRESS)
• Persecute Opposition