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Pope Donny I is NOT THE FIRST AMERICAN POPE covered by the WHN!

Catholic Church in Crisis as Pope Francis Falls Seriously Ill

March 1, 2025   •   Issue 198 (of 200?)

WHN EXCLUSIVE: To bolster his campaign for Pope, The Burger King has had the CIA surreptitiously correct the depiction of Adam on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.  Surprisingly, it is (other than Adam's weight) a good depiction of Mr. Trump.  Noted art critic Ms. Stormy Daniels says that Mr. Trump's "'privates' are painted to scale!"  In a previously unrecognized finding, God bears a striking resemblance to our own Editor Ned Ander-Thal!  When asked, Editor Ander-Thal stated that "The Ander-Thal genes are strong and unchanging.  Ancestry.com has confirmed my direct genealogical ties to the 'BIG GUY'.  Sadly. however, the only miracle I seem to manage is a new issue of the WHN every month or so..." © 2025 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

CANADA UPDATE: The Genesis of Trump's Plan

NOTICE: Beginning in 2025 the World Headline News will begin transitioning our main web address to www.thewhn.com.  However, www.thewhn.ca will also remain live for the foreseeable future.

2025 UPDATE:  Almost Washington State (WHN) March 1, 2025. If elected Pope, Trump would not be the first American to serve in the office.  Forgotten by most people was Pope Hugh Hefner I who briefly served as Pope in 1993 at the start of the Clinton Presidency (see Issue 11).  Holy Hef, as he liked to be called, died shortly after his erection, er, election, while living at the newly constructed, and now forgotten, Las Vegas Vatican.  

The circumstance surrounding Holy Hef's demise had remained a mystery. However, information from recently released documents (Thanks FBI Director Ca$h Patel!) prove that Holy Hef was sent to heaven (in more than one way) during a performance of the Papal Nunnery Chorus Line performing Bishopess Madonna's erotically risqué "Just like a Nun!".  Internal FBI documents claim that, while present, Mother "Machine Gun" Theresa (see Issue 26 - Page 3) did NOT, er, 'trigger' Holy Hef's death.  In contrast, President Clinton's former Surgeon General Dr. Jocylen Elders (see Issue 27), who attended to Holy Hef's 'personal' care, was subjected to intense scrutiny and repeated pat downs by FBI agents and named a person of extreme interest....

As for the former Las Vegas Vatican Basilica itself, following extensive remodeling, it re-opened in 1999 as the Las Vegas Venetian - but minus the infamous Holy Hef grottos which had been transformed into a canal (not carnal) system.

Francis, a Kind, Humble, and Devout Man of God, Is the First

Non-European Born Pope Since Gregory III in 741 CE

Co-President Elon Musk offers God a FREE CyberTruck

if Trump is made Pope.

Almost Washington State (WHN) March 1, 2025.  News from the Vatican reports that 88 year old Pope Francis is in a "complex" medical state.  As a consequence, Catholic Church officials are quietly, but unofficially, planning for the next Papal Conclave to select the new Pope.  While a "save-the-date" notice has NOT been sent out to the members of the College of Cardinals, they have been told that they may be required in Rome on short notice.

The Church, just like any other organization, is home to ambitious MEN who, without explicitly stating so, desire the CEO title (i.e., Pope).  This has led to both unofficial and official (e.g., DraftKings, FanDuel and others) betting on who will become the next Pope. Currently, the front runner (4:1) is the Italian Cardinal Pietro Parolin whose candidacy is buoyed by the fact that the majority of past Popes have been Italian born.  But it is important to remember, that dark horse candidates have typically won the last few Papal Conclaves. The Argentinian born Pope Francis (the first non-europeans since 741CE !) himself was the dark horse winner in 2013 upon the German born Pope Benedict XVI retirement (the first retirement since 1415!) who had succeeded the Polish born Pope John Paul II. So history teaches that while an Italian is favored to win the next conclave and lead the worlds 1.4 billion Catholics, non-Italian candidates MUST not be ruled out...

     ..... possibly including ONE ambitious American!

Exclusive Reports from the World Headline News

Print Edition Archives (1993-2012)

Issue 11

August 26, 1993

Surprisingly to many, King Donald Trump has announced his decision to ACQUIRE the title of Pope to add to his long list of accomplishment... you know, just like he is doing with the 51st state (Canada), Greenland and the Mar-a-Lago of the middle east: Gaza. Per King Trump, "No one is closer to God than me! I've played gold with him many times, and while he is good, I'm God of the game.  Many say I am the 'Chosen One' and indeed, AMERICA chose me to rule not just America, but many many places... so many that I don't know all their names."  From undisclosed sources in the White House when King Trump heard that the world's 1.4 billion Catholics could be electing a new Pope soon, to which Mr. Trump states: "I'm all in! I demand that I be elected Pope because 1.4 BILLION vassals are a lot more, I think, than the 400 MILLION, including all the illegals, Americans. Many people use the word 'HOLY' when they see and talk about me [EDITOR: e.g., "Holy Hell it's Donny"].  I've hear that the Pope also has to practice abstinence.... well, Melania has refused to touch me for years, so I guess I've got that going for me too!  I'm also a workers of miracles... I mean who would of thought I would be President again after January 6, 2021? Not-to-mention ONLY I can fix the churches finances.  Pope Francis was fixated on the poor and oppressed - I mean those people don't have money and actually COST the church money.  As Pope I promise to focus only on the MAGA-millionaires and billionaires who can put the BLING back into the church and make it a money maker once again.... and, hell, just like the Pope, I'm infallible!  So I've already endowed with the full package... despite what the painting shows.  Make me Pope now Elon - layoff whoever you need to in order to make it so!"

Indeed, so confident in the ongoing campaign, King Trump has already assumed the mantle of Pope Donny I. Per Pope Donny I, "I thought I should be a man of the people and Donald was just too formal while 'Donny' spoke to Joe-Sixpack.  I'll also be releasing some Pope Donny I cryptocurrency and Pope Donny I NFTs that will compliment the Trump Bible that I already sell.  I'm also partnering with McDonalds to upgrade the stale communion wafers that the Church currently uses with the all new and tasty McDonny Communion Wafer®.  It will come in both beef and fish versions.  They are truly heavenly!"

When asked what would happen if he lost the Pope election, King Trump would only state that the loss would be clear evidence of election fraud and that the US military could easily overpower the Swiss guards who defend the Vatican ("They don't have a prayer... the Papacy WILL be mine!").

OH HELL, TRUMP DEMANDS

THAT HE BE NAMED POPE!

Presidential toady, er, Co-President, Elon Musk, never one to shy away from difficult, some even he states are "Impossible", challenges [MARS!; Full Self-Driving Mode; Male Birth Control], has already demanded that the members of the College of Cardinals respond within the next 48 hours "with a minimum of 5 miracles that they have completed in the last week". Those who have failed to document their religious bona fides will be replaced with one of Elon's army of acme-ridden teenage boy technogeeks. Per Elon, these very young guys perfect because "Almost all of these boys are virgins and have absolutely no experience with females.... well other than the virtual ones on PornHub."  Elon has also gone straight to the BIG GUY himself and promised God a fully loaded CyberTruck if he pulls out a few miracles to make Pope Tump happen - "Hell, I'll even throw in the 'full self driving' for free!' feature for free... and floor mats!  It beats the HELL out of whatever God is driving now not to mention the current Popemobile!  Damn, just to show what kind of guy I am, I'll even give the Vatican one.... but without the free self-driving mode.... they're going to have to pay for that.  I mean what else are Sunday church collections used for."

They're mirror images of each other! Divine Inspiration, or was Michelangelo a time traveler?!

Among his many significant achievements are: the papal encyclical Laudato si' (“Praise Be to You”; 2015) which addressed the climate crisis and championed environmental stewardship; his efforts to promote unity between Catholics, non-Catholics, and non-Christians; his historic apologies to survivors of clergy sexual abuse; and his championship of the poor and oppressed.

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Prospective Pope Donny I records a promotional infomercial for his upcoming Papal Decree endorsing McDonny Communion Wafers®, in a joint venture with McDonalds.  Per the future Pope, "These will dramatically increase church attendance - especially since I will insist on, at the very least, weekly communions.  And in one of my first miracles as Pope, I will convert wine to Diet Coke." © 2025 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

WHN EXCLUSIVE: 2026 Papal CyberTruck versus the dated Pope Mobile currently used.  Per newly named Cardinal Musk: "The CyberTruck oozes the raw masculinity that a good Pope has to have.  Pope Donny would kick Pope Francis' butt if it has to come down to a physical fight for the Throne of St. Peter." © 2025 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

Almost Washington State (WHN) March 1, 2025. WHN issues 195 and 197 discussed 'President' Trump's ongoing efforts to make Canada AMERICA's 51st state. Investigation into the origins of this nefarious plan by crack(ed) WHN Editor Ned Ander-Thal has uncovered the 1985 Master Plan generated during a crisis of faith in Democracy suffered by Ronald Reagan that later served as the blue print of Trump's Canadian plot. The surprising author of the plan (Code Named: Operation Canadian Bacon) was Michael Moore, a 'supposed' American liberal, who outlined how the American President could use public anger against 'evil' Canadians as a means of strengthening the support for an unpopular President.  Indeed, Reagan, just like Trump, hated reading, so Administration officials created a film documentary of the THE PLAN in 1985 using it's code name: Canadian Bacon.

While Reagan never implemented the plan, the documentary film was apparently one of the TOP SECRET files taken by Trump when he fled to Mar-a-Lago in January 2021.  It was during this time, as his crisis of faith in democracy fully overtook him, that he plotted his vengeance on democracy and he began to focus on Canada as a tool to entrench his rule forever.  The entire documentary can be viewed on WikiLeaks, er, Amazon Prime.

The US economy is in a rut, and so is the president's approval rating.

What the President needs is a good war, but the Russians are not interested...

HEY--HOW ABOUT THAT BIG POLITE COUNTRY TO THE NORTH, EH?

WHN EXCLUSIVE: One of the infamous Mar-a-Lago documents?! © 2025 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

Again, the WHN send our BEST WISHES to Pope Francis and pray for his full recovery.  With the world's march to the (sometimes very far) right, voices, such as Francis, speaking up for the poor and oppressed are desperately needed. The Church cannot afford another Pope Pius XII (1939-1958) who actively ignored many of the actions of the Fascist governments of Mussolini (Italy) and Hitler (Germany). Indeed, Pius XII insisted upon Vatican neutrality (rightly fearful that the Vatican would be seized) and the Church avoided directly naming the Italian and German fascists as the 'evildoers' of World War II.

WARNING:  GRAPHIC CONTENT

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SEVERE EMOTIONAL CRISIS

in sensitive persons in certain

GEOGRAPHICAL LOCATIONS!  

The WHN apologizes in advance ...

... BUT, chill out, THE NEWS

MUST BE REPORTED!

"The girls are over there and..."

Perhaps surprisingly to some, Ned Ander-Thal is a longtime lapsed Catholic [since his youth... maybe 1534 CE, or so, when, at sword point, he joined King Henry VIII newly founded Church of England - they offered him his life, a free flagon of beer, and easy divorces (off with her head), all in exchange for his measly soul!]. However, despite Ned's youthful "crisis of faith", he feels that Pope Francis is a man of compassion and integrity and that the loss of such a man at this time in history would be tragic; especially if a man with less integrity should be installed in on The Throne of St. Peter....

The WHN, while out of practice, prays for Pope Francis' full recovery.

'GENESIS' of the WHN Exclusive Report...